The longtime Van Halen singer posted a YouTube video on Wednesday (January 24th) deriding the son of the late Eddie Van Halen. The clip starts out with a conversation between Diamond Dave and “Jesus Christ” that metaphorically suggests that Wolfgang benefitted from nepotism when he tapped to play bass in Van Halen as a teenager back in 2007.
The immature Jesus voice says, “Bro, I just want people to know … I got this job because of my talent. I woulda had this job anyway even if my dad wasn’t God.”
Then, DLR goes into a long story about how Wolfgang complained about not getting enough attention from the singer, and that the young Van Halen supposedly mistook the band’s accountants for random female guests of Roth’s, and had them thrown out of a couple of shows.
Diamond Dave’s monologue, as transcribed by Blabbermouth, reads as follows:
“This fucking kid, he’s complaining the entire tour like I’m not paying enough attention to him on stage. Like Santa Claus coming down the chimney and popping out on Christmas with nobody paying attention. Shalom to the dome, homie. I’m giving him the best. Everything I’ve got in front of twenty, thirty thousand people at a clip, and he’s complaining to everybody around me — the business manager, the security guy, the clothing lady — ‘Dave’s not paying enough attention to me.’ Cut to New York City — glamorous, glistening, shimmering New York City, and we’re at Jones Beach with twenty thousand of my closest friends. I walk out into the middle of the stage and I’m gonna do ‘Ice Cream Man’, and I’m testifying to the brothers, Eddie [Van Halen] and Al [Alex Van Halen], ‘Man, this is how many times we’ve played New York. This is spectacular.’ And what I don’t know is this kid, this schlemiel kid, has commandeered a couple of monkeys to go in back, behind my back, over to the side of the stage and throw out these two great dames that I invited to be my guests to the show. And these dames are in their forties, okay? Business women. In fact, you aren’t gonna believe this shit. This fucking kid, what he doesn’t know is that these two dames work for the accounting firm that represent him, not me. But as usual, he, just like his uncle and his uncle’s brother, stiffed them for tickets. I know they’re gonna do that, so I got ahead of things and I give them tickets. I put ’em way off to the side. And I’m not talking about Mötley Crüe groupies here. This is the real deal. And they’re both carrying big satchel purses, right? Like Gucci. Here we go. And he throws them out of the building. He’s teaching me a lesson. What this fucking kid doesn’t know, they’re carrying the paychecks for all 82 people on the road crew. Nobody tells me till I’m parked in the middle of that fuckin bridge… You know fuckin’ Jones Beach, they think I’m gonna freak out. I laughed so hard I spilled my Snapple.
Cut to Hollywood — that’s Gooey Ballyhooey Hollywood. We’re playing the Hollywood Bowl [in October 2015]. It’s the last two shows of the tour, and Ed’s not having a good day this year. So I know, hey, maybe, I always gotta play it like what if this was the last show I ever have with the brothers. This is important to me. We’re celebrating fiftieth anniversary here from when we first started arguing over which song is first. Stay focused. The brothers are playing. I walk out on stage at the Hollywood Bowl. This is the very last show that we’re playing. And I start getting tears in my eyes ’cause I testify to Ed and I testify to Al that, ‘Hey, we started right down the street at a little nightclub called Gazzarri’s. We were playing dance tunes and our parents didn’t give us shit. We made every penny go right into the gas tank or on to the guitar strings fretboard. Okay, here we go.’ We’re at the Hollywood Bowl. I’m about to launch into ‘Ice Cream Man’, and this fuckin kid! He commandeers two muscle monkeys, locates the one dame that is my guest; she’s off in the wings of the Hollywood Bowl. They find her, make her do the walk of shame past all the other guests, out into the parking lot and throw her out of the building! Wolfie Van Halen’s gonna teach me a lesson by throwing out what he thinks is my girlfriend. But guess what? Not only is this an accountant again, and not only is she carrying the paychecks for 82 of us on the road crew, but she’s carrying cash bonuses for everybody there. You may wanna pull over on this next one; you’re gonna pee your pants. Remember New York City? It’s the same fuckin lady!”